Satires

I .

Or shall we weep, or grow into the spleen,
Or shall we laugh at the fantastic scene,
To see a dull mechanic, in a fit,
Throw down his plane, and strive to be a wit?
Thus wrote De Foe, a tedious length of years,
And bravely lost his conscience and his ears,
To see a priest eke out the great design,
And tug with Latin points the halting line.
Who would not laugh, if two such men there were?
Such there have been — I don't say such there are.

II .

" Last week I made a visit to Portmoak, the parish where I was born, and being accidentally at the funeral of an aged rustic, I was invited to partake of the usual entertainment before the interment. We were conducted into a large barn, and placed almost in a square,

When lo! a mortal, bulky, grave, and dull,
The mighty master of the sevenfold skull,
Arose like Ajax. In the midst he stands —
A well filled bicker loads his trembling hands.
To one he comes, assumes a visage new —
" Come, ask a blessing, John? — 'tis put on you. "
" Bid Mungo say, " says John, with half a face,
Famed for his length of beard and length of grace.
Thus have I seen, beneath a hollow rock,
A shepherd hunt his dogs among his flock —
" Run, collie, Battie, Venture. " Not one hears,
Then rising, runs himself, and running swears.
In short, sir, as I have not time to poetize, the grace is said, the drink goes round, the tobacco pipes are lighted, and, from a cloud of smoke, a hoary-headed rustic addressed the company thus: — " Weel, John ( i.e. , the deceased), noo when he 's gone, was a good, sensible man, stout, and healthy, and hale; and had the best hand for casting peats of onybody in this kintra side. Aweel, sirs, we maun a' dee — Here 's to ye. " I was struck with the speech of this honest man, especially with his heroic application of the glass, in dispelling the gloomy thoughts of death.
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