Classic Poem

Noo I hae leeved for feefty year,
An' leeved the life fu' fairlie —
I hae been treatit like a King,
An' huntit like Prince Chairlie.
An' though tae ma auld frien', the Deil,
I umquhiles held a candle —
For someone's sake — I never did
Get mixt up wi' a scandal.

I've been rin in, an' been rin oot
For drinkin' an' for sweerin';
I had a fecht or twa, nae doot,
Before I gat past carin'.
I've kist the wives of ither men,
But never gave a handle
Tae anyone tae get ma name
Conneckit wi' a scandal.

Ma character was spotless white,
An' it has always been so,
Until that doubly fatal nicht
The limmer stole ma Heenzo.
Or dreamt she did, or thocht she did —
She said it — naething mattered;
Ma fair name an' fair fame were gane,
Ma health an' nerves were shattered.

I had some poison in a box
Some Nerve Nuts in anither,
An' sae, ane nicht — I'll tell ye this
Ma mair than frien' an' brither! —
I lay for 'oors an' 'oors awake,
Resolved tae end the worry —
Then took some Nerve Nuts in mistake
For poison! in ma hurry.

I woke frae slumber lang an' deep
Not deid, as I expeckit,
But like a giant refreshed by sleep —
Or a candidate eleckit!
For a' the ills that curse mankind,
I didna care a candle;
I rose and sallied forth tae find
The authors o' that scandal.

Noo ane is in the hospital
Because the fule resistit;
An' twa are oot at Waverley,
An' a' the rest enlistit.
I gaed oot like a berserk Swede
Against the Hun an' Vandal;
Ma health an' strength are quite restored
An' vanished is the scandal.