I.
Sentences

It's an automatic thing. It doesn't require any thought. It's a parade in and out.


It has its ups and downs.


It doesn't affect me one way or another.



——***——




It sort of comes to you. I never look at it. The touch. My hands fit. It's the feel. I just look at them.



——***——




It'll sound terrible. It's true. It's nothing really. I like to fuss. I sit and relax and read, take a bath, have my ice cream. I fill the day.


You look around. You hear things. Sometimes you daydream you're really somebody special. It's the sort of thing you do.


I could never converse with anyone about it.


It would drive me nuts. It would drive me wild. I know I'm needed. I think alot. I have very simple pleasures. I'm not a deep reader. I can't understand a lot of things. I'm looking forward to it.



——***——




I always have a hard time saying it. It feels too personal. It seems inconsequential. It keeps me from knowing what to do.




It really get to me.
It do something to me.




They want you to clean.
They don't have no feeling.
They want to know “what should I call you?”
They stand and look at you like you crazy.




You can't take pride anymore.


You remember when a guy could point to a house he built.


You never see the end result of it.


You fend it off as much as you can.


You think of a perpetual vacation.


You just get used to it.




——***——




I become very upset.

I enjoy one thing more than another.


I think I'm much happier.

I have dinner.

I like the background music.

I don't become bored with it.




I find it very discouraging.


I get no word from her.


I dont like all this waiting


I feel she's not very considerate of me.


I feel left out.


I know it doesn't necessarily mean anything.


I wish all this could work out better.


I want by now to get some clear idea of where we are in respect to each other.




It seems so indeterminate.


It seems so uncertain.




You think of bringing back together all the people you ever knew.


You think of how it feels to be together again.


You try somehow to escape the fact of its absence, of its flight, of its no longer being there.


You write letters.


You call people up.


You hurriedly meet with people.


You hope to find it.


You hope it will return.


You make fun of yourself.


You say it isn't so serious.


You try to be ironic.




You try to keep from going crazy with boredom.


You become accustomed as time goes by.


You read magazines.


You sleep.


You do anything to keep from going nuts.


You're very much occupied.


You're fighting to maintain your speed.


You have to be superalert all the time.


You have to anticipate situations a block ahead of you.


You have to get all psyched up.


You always give that smile.


You say to yourself one day my time will come.


You try to show a cockiness like you could care less.


You get in deeper and deeper.

I feel too dependant.

I feel no sense of myself.


I continually need reassurance.

I feel she won't really express her feelings.

I feel shut out.


I can project everything and be reassured of nothing.

I am constantly feeling left.


I see in her silence and distance the same fear and pain I have.

I see how much she means to them.

I expect to be refused.

I feel an intruder.

I see her pulling back.

I just can't keep being understanding.

I'll be disappointed, crushed.

I don't want to go through it again.


I don't exactly know how to act.


I came up the hard way. We was treated pretty rough. We come up at the hind and get what we can to live on. We was just children.


I just sit here and think about it. I just wonder all about it. I wonder what people mean. I just thinks about all that. That's all I can tell you. My mind goes but my mind comes to me. I'm just here.

There was this man. All I wanted to do was see the man. He had these little trees. He was telling us to come into the boat. I asked Mama could I go down there.

He carried us down there and showed us things down there.



* * *


He named me Charley.


* * *



He was dying and he called for me. He said, “Bring me the holy bible with all y'alls names in it.” And he was dying and he said to me, “Dont break your oath: dont change your name dont change your name.” And I stooped over him and put his arm around my neck. And when he quit saying that he was dead. And I shook him.




I'm separated.


I would put myself in suspended animation.


I was never home.



you say to yourself is it me is it my fault is it something i'm mistaking or getting wrong or failing to see it comes all about as bleakness, you never feel as rich but in the emptiness, seeing a few things, one or two, and being almost overwhelmed people come in, you talk to them, you wonder if they really are seeing the same things, if they are willing you design patterns to get it all down, you stay up all night trying to figure out the puzzles you've created for yourself, you can't understand why so few care, you forget about what you were thinking and can't remember you say to yourself let it go but you can't figure out what to let go

I didn't sleep those nights.


I wanted to go and do things.


I don't feel that lonely.


I don't bother the nurses.


I kind of have to grit my teeth.


I never have anyone to share it with.


I have gone into intense pain.


I have talked this over.

I don't really know.


I liked books and things.


I would have been a good mother.


I crank the bed down.

I'm not so young.

I had to evaluate my faith.

I had to become what everyone wanted me to be.

I had the fever and the chills.

I developed nodes again.


I've noticed it.


I would feel guilty.


I was the only one in the family.


I felt like a leper.

I have done everything I possibly could.


I don't know why.


I thought this was kind of typical.


I need people.


I look at the young people.


I'm not going to change my language


I said nothing to anyone.


I really have a problem understanding all of these things.

I was in a room.


I have walked.

I didn't really feel too well.


I'm not afraid.


I ask for a pain pill.

I felt this out.


I'm glad for what I've got.

I do it in pain.


I think this is all good for me.


I had to remind them.


I think they resented it very much.


I refused.


I get up.


I feel a part of life.


I can go to my room.


I can bear it.


I've watched.


I had so much pain I couldn't breathe.


I dread loneliness.


I mean it was a compulsion.


I could have really used a backrub.


I have gotten panicky.


I felt that no one was around.


I put on the light and waited.


I'm glad I have done everything I possibly could.

I have a sense of accomplishment.


I am aware of these things.

I need these things.

I wanted to give myself to God.

I see the difference now.

I was groping to understand.

I looked at him.

I was so different.

I went on thinking.

I joined different clubs.


I wondered if it would get me somewhere where I would stand out.

I was not behaving myself.

I would allow people to come in my room.

I could be there.

I would find it a barrier.

I found it hard all my life.

I didn't understand.

I don't begrudge other people.

I did it freely.

I really mean it.

I hate it so much.


I do not often find a person who can talk to me beyond ordinary conversation

I must convoy to others that I don't need them.

I don't think this should be necessary.

I think they should be aware.

I'm not trying to hide anything.

I've been very ill.

I would stand in front of the desk.

I had a rash all over my body.

I was always trying my hardest.

I felt it.

I didn't think I had more than a year to live.

I went and looked it up.

I didn't have to convince anybody.

I found it so hard.

I was starting to teach.

I had somebody elses religion.

I was attracted to these things.

I had to almost hide all my sores.


I am in tears.

I had never really met people like this.


I know I have to do something.

I can forget my problems.

I could ask.

I can talk as simply to a child as anyone else can.

I take the blanket out.

I didn't necessarily make them angry.

I do receive a lot.

I couldn't discuss it anymore with people.


I had what I said I had.


I didn't feel accepted.

I needed to be treated.

I've been up.

I have to do it slowly.

I do better on my own.

I can't beg them for it.

I don't even like the word.

I need it.

I have pain.

I go back to work.

I appreciate their understanding.

I'm going to sweat.





I.
I am ashamed.

I hide.

I felt my life with both my hands.


I had not minded walls.

I felt a cleaving in my mind.

I tie my hat.

I crease my shawl.

I cross till I am weary.


I felt as if the grass were pleased.

I cannot buy it.

I know some lonely houses off the road.

I watched the moon and the house.


I learned at last what home could be.

I lived on dread.

I stood up.

I measure every grief.

I heard as if I had no ear.

I held a jewel in my fingers.


I cannot tell you but you feel it.

II.

It always felt to me wrong.


It bloomed and dropt.


It ceased to hurt me.


It knew no lapse or diminution.


It knew no medicine.


It rises.


It sifts.


It struck me every day.


It tossed and tossed.


It was not death.


It's like the light.











Used by permission of the author.