Classic Poem

In foreign travel one may find
A means to exercise the mind,
To broaden those parochial views
Which stay-at-homes so seldom lose
Until, with Baedeker in hand,
They leave their own, their native land.

A relative of mine, Aunt Maud,
For years had longed to go abroad;
She pined to breathe the ampler air
Of Schnitzelbad or Plage-sur-Mer;
She often felt that she would choke
If she remained at Basingstoke.

Alas! She could not ever rouse
Responsive feelings in her spouse
Who, when the subject was discussed,
Displayed no signs of " wanderlust " ;
" The air of Basingstoke, " said he,
" Is plenty good enough for me! "

The strain at length became too great.
Encouraged by her daughter Kate,
Her husband's wishes she defied,
Turned (like a worm too sorely tried)
And, heedless of the nuptial yoke,
Shook off the dust of Basingstoke.

As when some parrot from the East,
By Fate from gilded cage released,
Will scarcely pause to wipe its mouth
Upon the perch ere hastening South,
So flew Aunt Maud, without delay,
And booked her passage to Bombay!

The Vicar begged her not to go,
Suggesting Aix-les-Bains or Pau
As better suited to her age
Than any land where tigers rage
And still grass-widows, one presumes,
Cremate themselves on husbands' tombs.

Unmoved, Aunt Maud declared that she
Must hold the gorgeous East in fee,
Must hear the sound of temple bells,
Must taste the joys, and smell the smells,
Of rickshaws, sweepers, and bazaars,
And tiffin 'neath the deodars!

She bought her outfit at the Stores:
A spear for sticking pigs (or boars),
A solar helmet, called topee ,
Two punkahs and a puggaree;
An air-gun, too, because (with luck)
She hoped to bag a Bombay duck.

She ordered special underclothes
Of dungaree and cellulose,
A Jaeger sleeping-bag with flaps,
A rubber bath that would collapse,
And, since her figure was rotund,
She bought an " outsize " cummerbund.

So, in due course, she reached Bombay,
She'd meant to make a lengthy stay,
But, just within the week, alack!
A cable came to call her back,
Announcing that her daughter Kate
Proposed to wed a plumber's mate!

She hastened swiftly home, in time
To stop her offspring's social crime.
(The plumber chose another mate,
But rendered an " account to date, "
Including in his modest claim
" Man's time " and " Making good the same " !)

Back home in Basingstoke to-day,
Aunt Maud still dreams about Bombay.
She much surprised the local cow
By weaving garlands for its brow.
Her country-seat-it's called " The Pines " —
Is run on Anglo-Indian lines.

The Vicar, when he comes to dine,
Describes her curries as divine.
Her daughter Kate has found at last
A suitor of becoming caste —
She's got engaged to Lord St Barbe:
Half-witted, but a pukka sahib .

I love to hear Aunt Maud enlarge
On problems of the British Raj;
On questions that concern the East
Her talk is a perpetual feast;
And who so qualified to speak?
She's lived in India — for a week!