The Twin Relic
The moral sense of Bitter Creek desires to be heard
About the sad unpleasantness which recently occurred,
Particularly as the world has been surprised and grieved
By false reports through which it was maliciously deceived.
If any Tenderfoot is moved to treat the case with levity,
He will not find the exercise conducive to longevity.
Our marriage laws have always been the Creek's especial pride,
Freedom in this as other things being our trusty guide
The hideous plague Polygamy had never stained our town;
The vaccine virtue of divorce sufficed to keep it down,
Though some confusion thence ensued, producing a variety
Of complications conjugal among our best society.
The ribald sneer and thoughtless scoff, I grieve to say, were heard
When Deacon Jones's seventh spouse became Judge Potter's third.
But to my mind no fairer sight since Eden has been seen
Than when the groom's three former wives were bridesmaids to Miss Green,
'Twas all too sweet to last. The Creek, in virtue wrapped and amity,
Was drawing to a bobtail flush against a straight calamity.
A citizen from down the Gulch one day the tidings bore,
That Barbarism's tents were pitched outside our very door, —
That on the ground which Christian sharps prospected long in vain,
And even Chinamen had scraped in bootless quest of gain,
A Mormon horde, with nigger-luck in all its blank exuberance,
Had struck it rich and got on us the undisguised protuberance.
It was too much, we said, and swore this scandal must not be;
Those diggings must and should be jumped for pure humanity.
To think and act, to draw and shoot, with Bitter Creek were one:
We met in Pettingill's saloon, and each man brought his gun;
Resolves to the above effect were read and passed unanimous,
After we'd taken out and lynched a little pusillanimous.
And morbid cuss who voted " No, " thinking by such a plan
ThaThe could trample on free speech, the holiest right of man.
But ah! alas for Bitter Creek, alas for earthly pride,
When moral suasion does n't work and shot-guns are defied!
Our missionary labors failed with those degraded foreigners,
Who proved remarkably well fixed to lay out work for coroners.
Envenomed calumny has raised the cry that Bitter Creek
Has shook its principles and taken water, so to speak,
Because on sober second thought it was resolved to change
Our marriage laws, conforming to conditions new and strange.
Preponderating widowhood came forward unobtrusively
But firmly, and arranged affairs to suit itself exclusively.
A constitutional convention met, and thus declared:
" That Mormonism's standard here should never be upreared;
That marriage sanctity remains, as it has been, the pride
Of Bitter Creek; and that our laws be hereby modified
As follows. " This amendment then was passed without a negative, —
" That simultaneous wedlock shall henceforth replace consecutive. "
About the sad unpleasantness which recently occurred,
Particularly as the world has been surprised and grieved
By false reports through which it was maliciously deceived.
If any Tenderfoot is moved to treat the case with levity,
He will not find the exercise conducive to longevity.
Our marriage laws have always been the Creek's especial pride,
Freedom in this as other things being our trusty guide
The hideous plague Polygamy had never stained our town;
The vaccine virtue of divorce sufficed to keep it down,
Though some confusion thence ensued, producing a variety
Of complications conjugal among our best society.
The ribald sneer and thoughtless scoff, I grieve to say, were heard
When Deacon Jones's seventh spouse became Judge Potter's third.
But to my mind no fairer sight since Eden has been seen
Than when the groom's three former wives were bridesmaids to Miss Green,
'Twas all too sweet to last. The Creek, in virtue wrapped and amity,
Was drawing to a bobtail flush against a straight calamity.
A citizen from down the Gulch one day the tidings bore,
That Barbarism's tents were pitched outside our very door, —
That on the ground which Christian sharps prospected long in vain,
And even Chinamen had scraped in bootless quest of gain,
A Mormon horde, with nigger-luck in all its blank exuberance,
Had struck it rich and got on us the undisguised protuberance.
It was too much, we said, and swore this scandal must not be;
Those diggings must and should be jumped for pure humanity.
To think and act, to draw and shoot, with Bitter Creek were one:
We met in Pettingill's saloon, and each man brought his gun;
Resolves to the above effect were read and passed unanimous,
After we'd taken out and lynched a little pusillanimous.
And morbid cuss who voted " No, " thinking by such a plan
ThaThe could trample on free speech, the holiest right of man.
But ah! alas for Bitter Creek, alas for earthly pride,
When moral suasion does n't work and shot-guns are defied!
Our missionary labors failed with those degraded foreigners,
Who proved remarkably well fixed to lay out work for coroners.
Envenomed calumny has raised the cry that Bitter Creek
Has shook its principles and taken water, so to speak,
Because on sober second thought it was resolved to change
Our marriage laws, conforming to conditions new and strange.
Preponderating widowhood came forward unobtrusively
But firmly, and arranged affairs to suit itself exclusively.
A constitutional convention met, and thus declared:
" That Mormonism's standard here should never be upreared;
That marriage sanctity remains, as it has been, the pride
Of Bitter Creek; and that our laws be hereby modified
As follows. " This amendment then was passed without a negative, —
" That simultaneous wedlock shall henceforth replace consecutive. "
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