Classic Poem

A KIND and gentle-hearted lad, though diffident and shy,
Was Tobit Weinberg, Junior, who resided down our way.
'Twas generally said of him he wouldn't hurt a fly,
Though why that is a virtue I am unprepared to say.

Yet Tobit was unpopular. I must admit the truth.
The maidens of our village treated Tobit with disdain.
With cold contempt they ridiculed and snubbed the wretched youth,
A circumstance that filled his gentle soul with poignant pain.

From early morn till late at night he'd worry, grieve and fret.
He purchased Books of Etiquette, he studied How to Dress.
He took a course on How to Charm the Weaker Sex, and yet
Despite his earnest efforts Tobit wasn't a success.

At last he hit upon a plan that filled him with delight.
" Determination wins, " he cried, " and virtue will not down!
Success at last is in my grasp. By eight o'clock to-night
T. Weinberg Junior's going to be the idol of the town. "

So Tobit hastened homeward to his mother old and gray,
And when their frugal meal was through she started off to bed,
Then Tobit drew a gun and in his artless boyish way
He plugged his mother till she was indubitably dead.

Next day he was arrested, which was quite as he had planned;
They placed him in the finest cell; 'twas called the Bridal Suite,
And all the maidens in the town exclaimed: " Ain't Tobit grand! "
And sent him sympathetic notes and dainty things to eat.

They sent him books and flowers, and they sent him fine cigars;
They sent him knitted neckties that they'd made themselves by hand;
And every day they'd visit him, and, peering through the bars,
In rapt, lovesick devotion they'd exclaim: " Ain't Tobit grand! "

Then soon came Tobit's trial by a jury of his peers.
" Emotional Insanity " I think they called his plea.
The fashionable audience could not restrain its cheers
When Tobit faced the jury and was told that he was free.

A dozen charming maidens, quite the loveliest in town,
Entreated him to marry them, so, with a lordly air,
He looked them over calmly, then he coolly turned them down,
And wed Miss Klotz, the daughter of the local millionaire.