Classic Poem

He was the rawest tenderfoot that ever pulled the briar,
A rookey an' an amachure, a dude an' all of that;
But we was short of sawyers, an' the head push had to hire
'Most anything that happened 'round the place to hang its hat.
He was a sort of rah-rah boy, who wore a fancy lid,
With blue an' yellah ribbons-in a bow-knot on the brim,
An' pants that looked a size or more too big for such a kid —
If Nature ever made a dub, it certainly was him.

We made it just as pleasant for His Dudelets as we could:
We tossed him in a blanket an' did other little things;
We set a jumper on him, an' the Frenchman soaked him good;
We learnt him penny ante where the deuces beat the kings.
He didn't git discouraged an' he stuck right on the job —
He said he got it harder when they took him in the " frat . "
We didn't ketch his meanin', but we knew he was a lob
(That is, until Thanksgivin', but things changed some after that).

It bein' of a holiday, we jumped the bloomin' camp
An' mootched it to the city, there to give our proper thanks;
We took the dude along with us upon that jolly tramp
To be the central figger in some harmless little pranks.
Recollect that little barroom in the hotel on the hill?
It was there the party gethered for the doin's of the day;
An' we started in with vigor our respective hides to fill
With all the burnin' redeye that the gang could put away.

When the stuff was flowin' freely, some one spotted Mr. Dude
An' he dragged him to the region where the merry glasses clink,
An' he ast him, in a manner that perhaps was somewhat rude,
If, upon this glad occasion, he would ruther fight or drink.
His Dudelets kind of trembled when they offered him " the same " —
His face was really funny, 'twas so solemn-like an' white —
But he turned to one that called him by a certain ugly name
An' remarked in language pleasant that he guessed he'd ruther fight.

It wasn't fair an' proper for us all to take a hand,
But that challenge meant a lickin', if a challenge ever did.
We proceeded in a body then to make him understand
That a little more politeness was expected of a kid.
But he didn't put his dukes up an' he didn't shed his coat —
He just sort of hunched his shoulders an' he shouted " U-rah-rah! "
Then, with both his arms wide open, through the air I seen him float,
An' he struck me in the stomach while I covered up my jaw.

In the very farthest corner there we landed in a heap —
" First down! " was all he hollered, " first down, an' four to gain! "
Then he mixed with Mr. Murphy, an' he put the Mick to sleep
When ag'inst the bar he slammed him in a way that give him pain.
" Second down! " he yelled, " an' touchdown! " Then he straightened up a bit,
When the Swede come swingin' at him with hot anger in his soul,
An' he stuck his toe out forward an' the Svenska's mug he hit
As he turned to grapple Frenchy, while he yelled, " Rah, rah! A goal! "

But there come some reinforcements from the man behind the bar —
With a mallet in his flippers Mr. Barkeep joined the fray;
With a brotherly intention Johnny's cranium to jar
An' no word of explanation, at his skull he blazed away.
Then I knew 'twas all for Johnny, that the crack would make him sick,
When the barkeep swung his hammer on our darlin' angel child.
It took him in the forehead like half a thousan' brick —
But that kid, would you believe it? why, he just looked up an' smiled!

Then he " kicked a goal from placement, " made a " touchdown " more, or two.
(At least he so announced it ev'ry time he let a yell);
In the corner of the barroom he piled up that fightin' crew
An', to sort of cap the climax, put the barkeep there as well.
When he thought they had sufficient then he showed the boys his " M, "
An' explained the Yost " formations " an' just how the thing occurred;
To drink a toast to " Michigan " he invited me an' them —
An', when he ordered soda pop, then no one said a word.