Classic Poem

 Reader, no doubt you've sometimes seen
The rapid workings of the Spleen,
When the sharp Bile disturb'd is dropping,
And all Good-humour's vessels stopping,
Curdles “ the Milk of Human Kindness ,”
Darkens the sight as if with blindness;
Fermenting upwards from the Hip,
Reddens the Eye, and Nose's tip,
And casts such shadow o'er the face,
Its former features scarce you trace;
Just as you may have notic'd, when
Anger distorts a Bantam Hen,
Her Form quite crumpled up together,
Head, Back, and Wing one tuft of Feather.
So, in V EXATION'S swelling breast,
The throbs of passion were confest,
Whilst she, with looks of scowling pride,
Thus to the God of V ERSE reply'd.

 In P HYSIC , Sir, you may be wise,
In L AW , your knowledge I despise;
In your own way the point to urge,
You know that Falap 's sure to purge,
That Blisters irritate the skin,
Emetics clear the parts within;
Now L AW , by me infus'd, supplies
Th' effects of these three Remedies ,
Acting as each, its power I quicken,
Make it work ,— irritate ,—and sicken ;
From T ERM to T ERM the dose I'll ply,
Till I drain all his Humours dry,
And what, perhaps, may still be worse,
Drain too, the substance of his purse.
To prove he's hamper'd by V EXATION ,
I'll plague him with an Arbitration ,
To compass which, I'll call from far
The influence of the P OLAR S TAR ,
Tho' its weak powers can little act,
'Twill serve my purpose to protract;
By poorest Tools we often try
To gain a point, then throw them by,
And from the Law's delay, you know,
Far more than half its evils flow.
But—greater things I have in view,
Than what I now declare to you;
On my fagacity recline,
You have your N OSTRUMS , I have mine :
Therefore, good Doctor, rest assur'd,
Your patient shall by me be cur'd.

 A POLLO took his hat and rose,
Here let, said he, our conference close,
Convinc'd, I to your guidance yield,
And leave you Mistress of the field;
To give these injur'd Damsels ease,
Act with the Culprit as you please.
He bow'd—Each Muse with smile serene
Curtsying, slipt on her Capuchin,
And one by one all sidled out,
Like modish Ladies from a Rout.