Classic Poem

‘How far'd you at the miser's feast?
For there, from yester-noon at least,
You plied the glass, as it was clear
By one I sent to bid you here.’—
—‘So well our time we pass'd away,
I never had a merrier day.’—
‘Say, if 'tis not against the law,
What first appeas'd your rav'nous maw?’—
—‘First a Lucanian boar was brought,
Which (as our host affirm'd) was caught,
When the South gently blew—the dish
Was garnish'd with both herbs and fish,
Anchovies, lettuce, skirret too,
Such as the appetite renew,
With vinegar from Coan lees,
Which all dispos'd of by degrees.
One brisk lad wipes, with purple clout,
The maple table round about;
Another clears off all the rest,
Irksome or useless to the guest.
The moor Hydaspes makes parade,
(As with grave rites th'Athenian maid)
Bringing the Caecuban along;
Alcon comes in with Chian strong,
To which no sea had damage done—
Here our good host his speech begun:
“Maecenas, if you chuse to dine
With Alban or Falernian wine,
Rather than any thing you see,
Straight you may both command of me.”’—
‘O wretched wealth!—but, prithee show,
Fundanius, for I burst to know,
Who was there with you at this treat,
Where all things were so grand and neat.’
‘Well, I was in the highest place
With Viscus, and a little space
Was Varius (as I think) below;
Vibidius too and Balatro,
Which last Maecenas brought to wait
Merely as danglers on his state.
Then Nomentanus took his post,
Upon the right hand of our host,
Porcius beneath—despis'd and hiss'd,
For gorging pan-cakes at a twist.
For this was Nomentanus bid,
If ought was unobserv'd or hid,
To point it out—as for the rest,
I, and each undiscerning guest,
We fish and fowl at random took,
Nor saw th'invention of the cook,
Which shortly I was giv'n to know,
When he did on my plate bestow
Some turbot-guts, and eels, and plaice,
Such as no other table grace.
Then, willing I shou'd learn, he said,
That honey-apples look'd most red,
Pluck'd when the moon begins to wane;
Our host himself will best explain
How vast the odds—Vibidius here
Thus whispers in his neighbour's ear—
“Unless we tipple to his cost,
All hopes of vengeance will be lost;
Put more capacious tumblers on.’—
On which our host grew wond'rous wan,
As dreading nothing with such hate,
As them that drink inordinate;
Whether because they jest too free,
Or swilling to extreme degree,
They blunt the judgment of the taste—
And now whole casks are drank in waste,
Both by Vibidius and his friend,
And strangers at the lower end:
Maecenas, and the guests select,
To decency had more respect.
A lamprey next was usher'd in,
With floating prawns in a turrenne.
This (says our host) was caught with spawn,
As tasteless when the row is gone,
For these a sauce of oil was dress'd,
From choice Venafran berries press'd,
With pickle from th'Iberian fry,
Wine five years old—but by the bye
Not made beyond sea—all these three,
While it is stewing best agree,
But when once stew'd the Chian wine,
No better thing you can divine,
With pepper white, and not without
Such vinegar, as will turn out
By souring Methymnean juice—
“I was the first that brought in use,
With these the bitter herb to shred,
And first cut rockets from the bed;
Tho' 'twas Curtillus, I must say,
That to sea-urchins gave the day,
Which in their native salt excel
Ought you can get from any shell.”
Mean time the tap'stry hung on high
Fell down upon the company,
Bringing black dust, a greater load
Than winds on the Campanian road.
We, frighten'd at the first alarm,
Soon as we found was no great harm,
Return each person to his post—
But with his head reclin'd our host
Began to snivel in despair,
As if he'd lost his son and heir.
What must have been the end—unless
Sage Nomentanus with address,
Had undertook his friend to cheer.
“O Fortune! which is more severe,
Of all th'immortal pow'rs than thee?
With what an everlasting glee,
You love our projects to distress!”
Here Varius, who cou'd not suppress
His laugh, was forc'd the cloth to cram.—
Servilius, ever apt to bam,
Cries out with sanctity of face,
“Such are the terms of human race,
Wherefore there's no degree of fame
Can answer your right noble aim,
That you shou'd torture and distract
Yourself, so anxiously exact,
That I shou'd be thus well receiv'd!
How, lest the rowls shou'd burn, you griev'd!
Or broth ill-season'd be serv'd up,
Or lad in waiting, while we sup,
Neglect the necessary care
Of neat apparel, well-comb'd hair.
Besides, your terror to inhance,
Lo! all these accidents of chance,
If hangings shou'd come down, as now,
Or footman, taken from the plough,
Shou'd tumble with a dish upstairs—
But with a noble host it fares,
As with great captains in the field;
In thriving times their skill's conceal'd,
Which in adversity breaks out,
And brings stupendous things about.”
Our Host to this—“pray heav'n may grant,
Both all you wish and all you want;
Consid'ring that you are the best
Of men, and most diverting guest”—
And for his sandals he applied
In act to take a turn aside.
Then round the table you might hear
A gen'ral buzzing, mouth to ear.
I wou'd not choose a farce, or play,
In preference to such a day.’—
—‘But let me have it in a word,
What next to raise the laugh occurr'd?’—
‘Vibidius with the waiters spoke,
Ask'd if the flaggon too was broke?
Because to his incessant call,
They ministred no wine at all.
And while the laughter is immense,
Kept up on many a false pretence,
With Balatro to help us on—
Re-enter host—no longer wan,
As by an happy after-clap
To remedy his dire mishap.
Him follow servants, which sustain
The sever'd members of a crane,
In a large charger, sprinkled o'er
With salt and flour, a plenteous store;
A gander's liver next he brings,
Fatted with figs, and jointed wings
Of hare, as more the taste to suit
Than if you eat the back to boot.
Then over-roasted mearles appear,
And ring-doves without rumps—fine cheer!
Had not their dull loquacious lord
Plac'd all their hist'ries on record,
And on their natures lectures read,
Whom we in indignation fled,
Nor tasted of his dainty fare,
As if Canidia had been there,
And with her fetid breath had blown,
In spite to Afric snakes unknown.’