Member Poem

It’s the time of my life.
Heart palpitating and fear of every imaginable kind.
There’s a rush in my brain that seems to have a life of its own.
A dream or nightmare in the offing.
Depending on circumstances and the papers my whole world could be collapse..
Don’t contemplate failure or the unexpected!
Look at how much your Sister Jay has invested in  you.

Those sticky notes, reminders, synopsis, highlighted key words and my empowering sister who ably as always as per usual assisted me with my dreams.
How I value  her sage words, tips and in situ council,
This indeed is my extraordinarily special day.
The first paper  in an excruciatingly testing exam.
One never knows after all that preparation what might spoil this ultimate test of one’s competence.
Exams at least in my case seem to dovetail other events in my life.
Maybe others too.
At times there is this unsettling synchronous alignment.
That blurred concept
“If Only” might blink at me without me being dimly aware.
Shades of “I told you so.”

The whole thing could end in ruins!
If it does I suppose i can try again in a lower level course.
But it won’t be easy and there is this dread, tangible dread  that something or other might just take a very blind turn.
I’m not disaster prone in my disposition but still!
The Dream  my sister and I shared.
I was just a few hours away this morning from that ponderous walk up the creaky stairs  to that exam hall.
I shouldn’t be intimidated in any sense.
It’s not like I haven’t faced a certain number
of that shadow undercurrent, that sleight of devious hand known as the exam system.

It was quite ancient in a better meaning of that word.
The aforementioned building.
Having sat a few academic tests before in this hall I noticed some of the edifices surrounding it outside had  a quaint sombre aesthetic.
A fragility about things that have stood the test of time of one kind another.
From elegant roofing, pillars, antique chairs one had this weird feeling of its vulnerability.
That merciless adjudicator and sponsor … the test of time!
But these were actual  simplistic, superficial observations on behalf of this very jumpy, jittery, jerky academic summoning enough gumption to cross that extreme symbolic finishing line.
The link up with my colleagues who weren’t as blessed as I was with a heroine like my sister was pending.
Yet the energy she transmitted to me  in a universal way appeared a chain reaction.
Even a train reaction in the way trains trundle forward in a positive charging manner.
Such adroit thoughts were turning cartwheels in my head as well as my brain.
The brief train and bus journey most definitely a case in point which lay ahead of me.
Warm and wonderful hugs from Jay Pallen my loyal loving sister sent me on my way.
On this journey encouraging concepts were floating inside, a very ornate melange of my sisters supportive gestures and indeed significant others in my life too.
It’s a long trek as I take angled peeps at spots outside the bus I was travelling on and then the train.
Staff members at stations over the years I had cultivated strong relations with were appearing today out of nowhere almost as if signpost  of what was or what was not to come.
Charm laden well wishes exchanged.
Some light hearted banter on how well prepared I was.
The very jovial you’ll be fine type comments short of a mistaken language or a mishap!
Don’t be stressing about these things, you are an exam veteran at this point.
I shrugged as the only way of replying at that  late stage.
But hoped I appeared gracious in the eyes of those who had encouraging  words  for me down the years.
One mustn’t panic,
I whispered  to myself.
So many counting on a stupendous performance.
From my sister mainly and primarily, also the bus drivers, ticket collectors, ticket counter prrsonnel.

In turn maybe feebly I tried to reciprocate along the way of an enduring life course in every conceivable sense that one humanly possibly imagine.
How will my class mates feel?
Are their thoughts in any way as apprehensive as mine?
The overwhelming majority of my fellow candidates  have studied and indeed worked solidly throughout the year.
Futures of every conceivable kind in peril and at stake.
“Oh the notes that my marvellous  sister Jay compiled slipped.
It just goes to show the nerves are now beginning to get frayed.”
I managed to scramble most of my lectures together from the slovenly heap they had become.
“Did see a slight note on my refill pad from a fellow student?”
It made for interesting reading as I travelled  for what would be one of the most important days of my life.
“Though crumpled it had an insightful manifesto of its own.
You can take notes in such way that they tell a story.
It’s not verbatim or word for detailed word note taking.
They have a dream like quality.”
This colleague  continued in a very very fascinating vein.
“You never actually of course know what’s going to happen.
There will always be surprises.”
In a conversation I had with this same person. Alvin….
Excuse me, the bus driver said.
“We, have come to the end of this route.”
Oh, it’s you. You have been having this conversation under your breathe.
I wasn’t eavesdropping or anything but.
Sorry I “RUINED” your chat with yourself.
Aren’t you sitting an exam?
The  science exam you whispered to yourself.
It must surely by now be your final one.”
As the route wasn’t too far from the university building it didn’t really matter or even count at this point.
I’m a regular walker by adoption.
It has stood to me over the years.
Strange enough  my mind loves to wander as I do.
Used to bring those lecture notes.
“It’s all coming back as I approach this day.
Yet I absorb my surroundings and there is a spin in my head.
“A partially broken slate crashed in front of me as I walk.
A clump of moss shortly afterwards.”
Are they  a hint  I wonder?
But I just keep going with just enough  time to spare.
To have a pre test chat with those who odysseyed through the exam system with me.
It was after all sine qua non on these many occasions for those many assessments..
I wonder why this morning could be seen by me as some last roll of the dice.
So much of my life in every major  sense and in every significant  direction seems precariously perched like a nervous bird on a wire.
I bumped into a busy stop …
and then saw Wilma’a woman  I hadn’t seen in ages
“We haven’t met in awhile.
Remember me in secondary school?”
Wilma observed.
“Fancy bumping into a bus stop and then linking up with someone I hadn’t seen or heard from at least nine years.”
A tremulous tone in a slightly hoarse throat emitted by me.
“How are you, Wilma?
Are you still working in construction and the building trade with your partner?”
I asked.
Naturally I told her it was the beginning of my finals.
“Well, yes. We are.
Business booming.
If you or anyone connected need any assistance.
Just ask.”
She said casually.
“Oh by the way, good luck with your exams.”
Eventually I reached the building where the exams where about to take  place.
I was oddly late but still had some time to sound out  fellow students anxieties over that probability defying exam.
We had a quick coffee with the usual pre exam slurps and spillages.
Speculated and reflected on what may or may not present itself in all its shimmering glory in the exam.
“Best of luck to everyone.
Here’s to fine outcomes.
Remember you only get  one attempt at this exam bar the unexpected.”
Off we go up the stairs in a solemn procession.
Thoughts danced fiendishly across our faces.
Muttering of some obscure course we have overlooked.
The usual mild panic that sets in.
“OH HEAVENS …. what is that sound.
Something crashed and just couldn’t be ..
Yes it could.”
The smell of dust and scattered debris!
We all looked behind sideways and … in front
“It's the exam hall.
Part of the ceiling has caved in.”
All of us shook and then guffawed!
“Just as well this happened before we sat the exam
Though the damage seems limited.”
I said with cynical resignation.
Maybe the earlier broken slate and moss clumps were more than just coincidence.
I may indeed have to contact Wilma sooner than she thought.
“My final words ladies and gentlemen.
It’s an ill wind.
It will probably take the college a few days to find a replacement venue.”
I felt this  poignant sadness bordering on relief as I knew that old exam hall will never be the same again.
But that  fondue fillip of Evanescent recall endures.
A dream delayed is a dream empowered I suppose.
And without a suspicious motive  that chance on my behalf to do extra study with the help of my “OUTSTANDING SISTER’” whose presence and note curation provided for me.
The word outstanding on this occasion needs no explanation!