Member Poem

They ask me what my world looks like,
but I don't give them the play by play.
I reflect on the day during the dark of the night,
these thoughts that just refuse to go away.

Lose the rolls, get skinny,
stand in front of the mirror and pretend I look pretty.
Stand on the scale and frown with self-pity,
keep on cutting those calories.

I will cry myself to sleep tonight,
wake up with a smile and pretend i'll be alright.
But what about those mornings where im up at three a.m.?
Puking and purging trying to ignore the words that are said.

People look at me in confused concern,
telling me to eat but I never learn.
They see my ribs poking through my skin,
telling me that i've grown too thin.

But to me, it's not enough,
too much fat and limited self-love.
They tell me they're worried but do they actually care?
If I asked for support, would they actually be there?
No, they'd turn their backs after just a glance,                 Then i'd continue to shrink until my waist is too small for my pants.

I'll run my hands over my thin layer of skin,
Think 'still too much' and make more scars within.
I tell myself i'll get better soon but when will I begin?
When will I stop this sin?

I won't get better anytime soon,
I'll wear my thick sweaters, even in June.
Maybe i'll take a sip of water here and there,
Maybe i'll stop pulling out my hair.
Maybe i'll get some oatmeal-take a bite or two,
Or maybe i'll continue to starve myself until my skin is see through.