Classic Poem

Young Dapper once had some pretence
To Mother Wit, and Common Sense;
And had he but apply'd those Parts
To Sciences, or useful Arts,
Religion, Med'cine, Law or Trade,
Lord, what a Figure had he made!
But all his Stars contriv'd in Spite
That he should only be Polite.
Only Polite, Whats that you'l say?
Observe him, and he'l show the way.
A Modish Suit, with Sword on Thigh,
A Wigg, and how to comb and tye;
To drink, to drab, to toast the Fair,
A brisk decisive tone and Air,
Are the first Rudiments: and these
Dapper acquir'd with so much Ease
As rather Nature seem'd than Art,
So sudden he commenc'd a Smart.
What follows next? to dance and sing;
Is that so difficult a Thing?
Not so to Dappers application,
Who boasts in each so good a fashion,
That He, who (as Epigram makes known)
So Daphne danc'd, and Niobe,
As that a Stock, and this a Stone
Hardly so lifeless seem'd as he;
Nor t'other celebrated Head
Who sing the Rival Screech Owl dead.
(Tho' Fame hath blabb'd their worth's so long)
Excell'd his manner, or his Song.
Must the Proficient read and write?
For reading, tis not so polite,
It spoils the Features; and beware,
A thog'tfull, or Scholastic' Air:
But easy writing, Or to write
What any may with Ease indite
A flow of words dispos'd for Sound,
And Periods Numerous and Round:
The Subject trifling News and Chat,
Good sense apart, no matter what,
A dash of [ ] here and There,
Have such a Charm for modish Ear
As merits Dappers strictest Care:
And he (as Envy must confess)
Hath master'd with great Success.
So — but what Topicks for Discourse?
Oh Heaven's, how plenteous is the Sourse!
'Tis to have al the names by Rote
Of Lords and Commoners of Note,
To tell long Stories, wrong or right,
Of Robert's twain, the Peer and Knight.
Of Swifts inimitable Fancies;
And how his Highness bow's and dances.
On Church and Parsons to declame,
And call em by a filthy Name.
Praise Toland; sneer at Orthodox,
Creeds, Bubbles Mysteries and the Pox,
Laugh at the City's awkard Pride,
And without Ear or Art decide
Betwixt Faustina and Cuzzone,
What gaming Ladies pledge for money,
What reigning Toasts in Order tell,
Who buys a Post, a Vote who sell.
Talk of the Play, the Opera, Park,
And what diversions there when Dark?
All these, and Twenty thousand more
Made but a part of Dappers Store.
How but a Part! pray whats the whole
Mark for he's reaching at the Goal.
His grand Ambition was in short,
To view the worst side of a Court.
He comes, he see's, and nobly fir'd,
Snatches the Palm so long desir'd,
Mounts the Professor's Chair, and thence,
With a becoming Negligence;
From Vulgar prejudice set free,
Ring's o'er the Changes on these Three,
Detraction, Bawdy, Blasphemy.
Oh! inexhaustible supply
Of wit, oh Fountain never dry!
Oh matchless Dapper! rising Name,
Consign'd to everduring Fame!
How surely did thy Stars contrive!
Thou'rt the Politest Thing alive.