Classic Poem

He ar me dull Prostitute, worse than my W ife,
Like her the shame and clog of my dull Life,
W hose first Essay was in a Tyrants praise,
Bawdy in Prologues, Blasphemous in Plays,
So lewd, thou mad'st me for the Church unfit,
And I had sterv'd but for a lucky hit,
When the weak Ministers implor'd my Wit;
Stols't me from Business where I might have made
A solid Fortune to thy barren Trade,
My Father wisely bad me be a Clerk,
Thou whisperd'st, Boy be thou a Tearing Spark;
I from that Fatal hour new hopes Pursu'd,
Set up for Wit, and Aukwardly was Lewd,
Drunk 'gainst my Stomack 'gainst my Conscience Swore,
Against my Will I Marry'd a rank W —
After two Children and a Third Miscarriage,
By Brawny Brothers hector'd into Marriage,
Affected Rapes and Lusts I'd never known,
As if that all Gomorrah was my own,
Nor Love nor Wine cou'd ever see me Gay,
To writing bred I knew not what to Say,
With Scolding Wife and Starving Chits Beset,
When I want Mony and no Friend will Treat,
Cheard with one Cup of thy Castalian Spring
I can Abuse the Church, my Friend, and King;
Tell him, he's jilted, foold, led by the Nose,
Then like Almanzor turn upon his Foes;
Libel his Mistresses and Statesmen too,
Then o're his Whoring life old David Throw,
By whom Uriah was so basely Slain,
But our good Monarch spares his Castle — —
And Oates his Plots and Treasons swears in vain;
Defame the Men that gave me Meat and Clothes,
And then Deny it with a thousand Oathes.
Adriel to Please, call Rochester a Fool,
Sidley a Capuchin, and sharp Dorset Dull.
I like Borosky by the false Count hir'd,
On Scroop my Blunderbuss of Satyr fir'd,
In cool Blood call'd him Fool, Knave, Coward too,
What more to Hall or Cranborn cou'd I do,
Who long enjoy'd e're I began to Woe,
Thoul't say perhaps what is all this to thee,
If I a Coward, Cuckold, Villain be;
Oh but thou shouldst thy sacred aid Refuse,
When I Invoke it to so base an use,
Blunt of my Murdring Pen, the killing Point,
And Honestly refuse the Odious Hint,
But thou ne're com'st so gladly to my call,
As when on merit unprovok't I fall,
Is there a Patriot to be defam'd,
Lady abused or Virtuous Action blam'd,
Thou with Officious hast, rankst ev'ry word,
And giv'st thy Raging Madman a sharp Sword;
Devils to Witches are not more at Hand,
Than thou, when I an Hellish task Command;
To thee ungrateful! what has Monmoth don,
That Parson like, thou call'st him Absalon ,
And by that Name dost Foolishly infer,
He from old Davids Head the Crown wou'd Tear?
Was he Ambitious, he had kept his Place,
Stood high in Davids , as the Peoples Grace,
And VVarlike chief of the Praetorian Bands,
To the whole Nations Hearts had joind their Hands,
Of Public good dissembled his deep Care,
VVith the false Jebusite a while kept Fair,
Then in some great decisive glorious Day,
Make those vile Cormorants disgorge their Prey,
Our Church, Religion, Freedom and our Laws,
Those Darling, Morsels of their longing Jaws,
(VVise Stanly thus till Bosworths fatal Day,
Did seeming Faith to Cruel Richard Pay,
But left the Tyrant in the heat of Fight,
And brought success to Harry 's drooping Right)
Monmoth 's brave mind cou'd no disguise endure,
Still Noble ways preferring to secure;
VVhile David lavishes his Peoples love,
He buys the Purchase, with design t'improve;
And like some prudent Kinsman reconvey
VVhat the wild Heir hath vainly thrown away,
Lest the Great Ancient Family decay.
Good honest David , why wou'dst thou have made,
Of such a Son and Parliaments, afraid?
VVhich whilst he Sways what Faction dares dispute,
Or who cay say, He is not Absolute:
Thro' them he may command the Peoples Purse,
And spend their Wealth and Blood without a Curse:
By Laws they wou'd a Popish Heir Exclude,
Not by Rude Force, or a Tumultuous Croud.
Against Navarre the Factious Princes Leagu'd,
And the right Heir the Papal World Entrigu'd;
When a long War had plac'd him on the Throne,
The State Religion he was forc'd to own;
The harmless People took it in good Part,
The Zealous Church yet Stab'd him to the Heart,
Taught by all Story there was no defence,
But they must change their Faith or change their Prince;
Who wou'd not here the like extreams Prevent,
And settle things by aid of Parliament.
Thou only Court presiding at the Helm,
Which mak'st all others useful to the Realm;
Inferiour Judges Trembling to decree,
VVhat may hereafter be Condemn'd by thee,
The Chancellors and ill Statesmens only Dread,
For it is thou alone can reach their Head,
By thee fell Wolsey and false Clarend — —
Abandon'd by their Kings but here undon;
Both overwhelm'd for daring to Remove,
Or Stem the Torrent of their Masters Love,
The one fair Bullen to his Prince deny'd,
The other made Lov'd Stuart Richmond 's Bride,
And with the Royal Blood for ever mingled Hide ,
To their own Ruine can men all Agree,
And none the precipice but Courtiers See
Courtiers who Importune the Sovereign,
To Pardon Robbers, Cut-throats, for their gain.
Who live on Ideots, Lunaticks, Forfeits, Fines,
And cannot Thrive but when the Nation Pines,
Unhappy we, if Rul'd by such, whose Rent
Consists in Breaches of the Government.
Some few there are with great Estates indeed,
Yet Labour with Imaginary need,
Strange sort of Fools, who for one Pension more,
Inslave themselves, and all they had before,
Others with Titles and new Earldoms Caught,
Wou'd give up all for which the Barons Fought,
They're equally unfit for Government,
Who nothing have, or nothing will Content.
VVho bad thee, in Achitophel 's vile Name,
Old David 's Errors and his Faults Proclame.
Or say " Plots True or False are needful things,
" To set up Common VVealths and pull down Kings,
" That David (whom thou dost with reverence name)
" Charm'd into ease, grows careless of his Fame;
" And brib'd with Petty sums of Forreign Gold,
" Is grown in Bathshebas embraces Old,
" That like the Prince of Angels, from his Height,
" He now comes downward with diminish'd Light.
If David once ill Language lay to Heart,
Who shall the poet from the Traytor part.
The peoples voice, of old, the voice of God,
Thou call'st the voice of an unruly Crowd;
Crowds are the Fools, — —
That Flock to thine, and Durfeys Loyal Plays,
And give Implicite Claps on your Third Days;
About the Stage of Mountebanck they VVait,
And Whoop at Cudgels, or a broken Pate,
But have like thee, no Interest in the State.
Rule as thou wilt the Realm of Mexico ,
And under Iron Yokes make Indians Bow,
But with old England what hast thou to Do;
VVho from our Kings an useful Power wou'd take,
(Nor have they Power but for the Peoples Sake,)
Disarm themselves and Anarchy Bespeak,
King's may do good at their full Stretch of VVill,
And need not for a strain, or Law stand still;
They spare with Mercy, tho with Judgment Kill,
Confin'd like God, only from doing Ill:
Thus in our Papal fire, to save the Town,
Some houses were blown up, and some pull'd down
None blam'd the Order, since 'twas understood
A private mischeif, for the public good.
Tho we all perish, yet we must forbear
The Sacred Title of a Popish Heir,
If we thy foolish Politicks shou'd Hear;
A Sovereign Power somewhere there must be,
In King, in Lords, in Commons, or all Three,
Deriv'd from God, and only less than His,
VVhich can do all, and nothing do Amiss;
The Sacred Tyes of marriage can Dissolve,
And Children in their Parents crimes Involve,
Making those Bastards, who had else been Heirs,
And Injur'd Husbands, legal VViddowers:
Cut off Entails, make New repeal old Laws,
And of contending Kings, decide the Cause.
Thus from the Helm our Learned Richard thrust,
Confes'd their Power, and own'd their Sentence just.
And on the Throne our brave FourtHedward Sate,
Whilst Harry liv'd a Prisner of the State.
Alphonso thus depos'd for his weak Life,
Pedro enjoy'd his Kingdom and his Wife;
There jus Divinum barks not at his Right,
Damns not his Rule by Day, nor Love by Night;
In his Defence each private man may Kill;
Must then a Nation Perish, and stand Still?
If for our Laws, Faith, God, we may not Fight,
When can a Christian Sword be in the Right?
Oh the Prodigious Wit, and wond'rous Sting;
To call Achit'phells Son, Unfeather'd two leg'd Thing?
So by old Plato man was once defin'd,
Till a pull'd Cock that Notion undermin'd
Thy Amiel with Bull Jonas self may Vie,
For all but Courage, VVit, and Honesty,
As loud he roard 'gainst the Prerogative,
As sharply blam'd as Stingily wou'd give,
Till his own wants oblig'd him to recieve,
And on his cheated Sire he cou'd no longer live,
VVhose whole Estate when he in Trust had got,
Thy honest Amiel grudg'd him Pipe and Pot.
Thy Hushai next a true Friend e're a Man,
So soon his Dearness with his Prince began,
VVas but Fourteen when David was Abroad,
Less fit for a Kings Friendship than a Rod.
VVhich he deserv'd when he with Tears Reply'd,
And in full house the Loyal Baby Cry'd,
How cou'd one German Journey teach his Youth,
And add Experience to his native Truth;
Abroad he learn'd to live upon his Prince,
As e'vry Fool, Whore, Bully has don Since,
To other Merit he has no pretence,
Bazzillais Praise I coud rehearse again,
And make the second Labour of my Pen;
Wise, Valiant, Loyal, Rich, of high Descent,
Born all that Fortune for her Darlings Meant,
Who nobly Scorn'd a private Happiness,
When he beheld his Sovereign in Distress,
To Armes he flew, but with bold Catoes Fate,
Espous'd the Cause that fortune seem'd to Hate,
Striving to save the Head that wore the Crown,
He pull'd the mighty Ruine on his own.
But why extoll'st Jerusalems lewd Sagan ,
At Drink and Whores indeed a very Dragon;
Not Magdalen possest in all her Prime,
With her. Ten Devils cou'd have Equall'd Him.
Why woul'st thou call they Adriel a Muse,
And David of his hasty rise Accuse,
When we all know the same obliging Hand
Gave him his George, and Churchil his Command,
Jermin his Country house, & Bromwich his point Band
Or Jotham flatter'd that vain fickle thing,
Famous for Jests upon the Church and King;
One while Pythagoras 's harmles Food,
For Thoughts and P oliticks must cool his Blood;
And then again with Whores and Lusty Wines,
Revels all Night, and thinks him mad that Dines;
Quibles, Jokes, Puns, and Trifling Wit he has,
And like the Sweed is very Rich in Brass;
Against the Court, and David's -self he Roard,
How ill he Govern'd, and how worse he W — d.
VVou'd swear a Parrot had more VVit than Nelly ,
VVith her Parch'd Face wrinckled more than P — ths Belly;
Yet now to both, like Popish Saints he P rays,
Which shews he will not Burn in James's Days;
In his Plain Band, and Honesty in show,
He only aim'd at Danby's overthrow,
Which when obtein'd, this Patriot had his Ends,
And farewell all his plain well meaning Friends;
There was no P lot, no Popish Duke to Fear,
With Danby all our Dangers Disappear;
Danby thus setting to prevent dark Night,
This paler Moon shews forth its clearer Light,
Misguides our Councellors with her glim'ring Ray,
And all our Men of Business lose their VVay,
Our Parliament's dissolv'd, new Members Meet,
An Oxford Journey must allay their Heat,
But the true English Interest Appeard,
The Silversmiths for their Diana Feard;
Popery wou'd pass on us in no Disguize,
No Flowers cou'd hide that Serpent from our Eyes;
VV' are in Such hast dissolv'd that in the Street,
New chosen with dissolving Members Meet,
And then a Paper in good David's Name,
Must the proceedings of the House Defame,
Sheriffs, and Juries packt, Justices made,
Knights of th' Address, and all false colours laid,
To Cheat their Party with a vain Conceit,
The People, Parliaments both Fear and Hate,
VVhat Samson in a Dungeon Captive Blind,
In spiteful rage, for cruel Foes Design'd,
The House of Commons must be thought to do
Against themselves, and those that Trust them too.
The Head shall sooner fear its own Right-Hand,
Parents their Smiling Infants Death Command;
The chearful Birds sit silent in the Spring,
Than Lords and Commons hurt the Realm or King,
They may, thy Heroes, that small Faithful Band,
Pretious Counsellors, who dare singly Stand
'Gainst the Collective Wisdom of the Land;
David in Exile had more Friends than thou,
Wilt to his Best, his Happiest Days allow;
Why sounds thy Trumpet in the time of Peace,
Art thou afraid our Differences shou'd Cease;
That thus thou talk'st of Rebells, Treasons, more
Than any Irish Witness ever Swore?
Soldiers of Fortune, thus to drive a Trade,
Care not what Ruine; or what Slaughters M ade.
But hear me Prophesy, and Mark me well,
E're Thrice the Rose renews its Fragrant Smell,
People and King shall join like Man and Wife,
And both Abhor the Engines of their Strife;
No more shall they endure a hackny Pen,
And thou Cashier'd, shalt to the Stage again,
Please none but silly Women, or worse Men;
David shall find Duty an empty Word,
(For different Faiths can never have one Sword;
The Knot of Friendship is but loosely ty'd
'Twixt those that Heavenly Concerns divide;)
He then shall with his P arliament agree,
And Lives and Fortunes shall their Language be;
Monmoth be Blest for all that he hath done,
While thy vile Heroes to their P ardons run.