Scriptis Patet Scriptor
Enter Julius Caesar and Casephalamus. Cas.
What man are you that dares to come this way, Sir? Jul.
What man? An't please you, I am Julius Caesar. Cas.
What made you to these British isles to come?
Had you no victuals of your own at home?
Get off, I say, or else I'll take a cudge:
Gaffer, I'll thrash you, that you shall not budge. Jul.
Stand off I say, and quit the field;
I fear no cudgel while I bear a shield;
A Roman soldier knows not how to fear.
Look at my sword; behold my massy spear.
Should you approach this little boat, or think to trouble it,
By stick or stone, i' faith, I'd pink your doublet. Cas.
O, fight, ye Britons, fight to save your pullets;
Drive off these Romans with your beggar's bullets;
Hear what he says, the swagg'ring fool is cracked;
Believe me, Sirs, what I relate is fact.
I'd have you know, Sir, that this land is mine,
And I possess it by a right divine. Jul.
What's that to me, if I can get your throne?
I'd make you know, Sir, that what's mine's my own. Cas.
We're all destroyed, or I am much mistaken;
Oh! Fight, ye Britons, fight to save your bacon.
But see! The winds to our assistance blow;
Safe is the word, and so away ye go.
Exeunt .
Enter Xerxes and a Messenger. Mes.
Most high and mighty monarch of the East,
The cook dispatched me in the greatest haste
To tell you that your buttered ale is made,
But none will trust you for a loaf of bread. Xerx.
I, whose dominions reach from pole to pole,
Can't now be trusted for one single roll,
Learn hence, ye monarchs, what the Fates may do:
I've lost my battles and my breakfast too.
Exeunt .
Enter Alexander and Lysimachus. Alex.
Since Babylon must fall, what is't to me? Lys.
It is to you, for so the Fates decree. Alex.
Down then with all your tow'rs since fall they must;
These glittering spires must tumble into dust.
Fall on, my boy, begin the brisk attack;
Here lies the cakes, you see, and there the sack. Lys.
Be witness for me, all ye Powers Divine,
If they're not eaten, 'tis no fault of mind.
They scramble out .
Enter Cassander before he poisons Alexander. Cas.
The morning rises black; therefore, 'tis night;
'Tis either dark, or I am blinded quite.
Go fetch a candle, boy, go quickly go,
That I may see whether I am blind or no;
But I am apt to think this sudden gloom
Foretells the mighty Alexander's doom;
Or else they've shut the windows of my room.
Exit .
Enter Alexander. Alex.
Hey Day, what's this I feel, a sudden thirst?
I've drank and drank until I'm like to burst.
Call fill to me; I fear that jackadandy,
That made my hot-pot, poured in too much brandy.
My head turns round, my sight begins to fail,
And I am drowned in a pot of ale.
Oh! Dismal death, I'm just upon thy brink;
I die in honor since I die in drink.
FINIS
Enter Julius Caesar and Casephalamus. Cas.
What man are you that dares to come this way, Sir? Jul.
What man? An't please you, I am Julius Caesar. Cas.
What made you to these British isles to come?
Had you no victuals of your own at home?
Get off, I say, or else I'll take a cudge:
Gaffer, I'll thrash you, that you shall not budge. Jul.
Stand off I say, and quit the field;
I fear no cudgel while I bear a shield;
A Roman soldier knows not how to fear.
Look at my sword; behold my massy spear.
Should you approach this little boat, or think to trouble it,
By stick or stone, i' faith, I'd pink your doublet. Cas.
O, fight, ye Britons, fight to save your pullets;
Drive off these Romans with your beggar's bullets;
Hear what he says, the swagg'ring fool is cracked;
Believe me, Sirs, what I relate is fact.
I'd have you know, Sir, that this land is mine,
And I possess it by a right divine. Jul.
What's that to me, if I can get your throne?
I'd make you know, Sir, that what's mine's my own. Cas.
We're all destroyed, or I am much mistaken;
Oh! Fight, ye Britons, fight to save your bacon.
But see! The winds to our assistance blow;
Safe is the word, and so away ye go.
Exeunt .
Enter Xerxes and a Messenger. Mes.
Most high and mighty monarch of the East,
The cook dispatched me in the greatest haste
To tell you that your buttered ale is made,
But none will trust you for a loaf of bread. Xerx.
I, whose dominions reach from pole to pole,
Can't now be trusted for one single roll,
Learn hence, ye monarchs, what the Fates may do:
I've lost my battles and my breakfast too.
Exeunt .
Enter Alexander and Lysimachus. Alex.
Since Babylon must fall, what is't to me? Lys.
It is to you, for so the Fates decree. Alex.
Down then with all your tow'rs since fall they must;
These glittering spires must tumble into dust.
Fall on, my boy, begin the brisk attack;
Here lies the cakes, you see, and there the sack. Lys.
Be witness for me, all ye Powers Divine,
If they're not eaten, 'tis no fault of mind.
They scramble out .
Enter Cassander before he poisons Alexander. Cas.
The morning rises black; therefore, 'tis night;
'Tis either dark, or I am blinded quite.
Go fetch a candle, boy, go quickly go,
That I may see whether I am blind or no;
But I am apt to think this sudden gloom
Foretells the mighty Alexander's doom;
Or else they've shut the windows of my room.
Exit .
Enter Alexander. Alex.
Hey Day, what's this I feel, a sudden thirst?
I've drank and drank until I'm like to burst.
Call fill to me; I fear that jackadandy,
That made my hot-pot, poured in too much brandy.
My head turns round, my sight begins to fail,
And I am drowned in a pot of ale.
Oh! Dismal death, I'm just upon thy brink;
I die in honor since I die in drink.
FINIS